Top Ten List of What Gold Star Families Want You to Know About and On Memorial Day

I am a Gold Star Mother. That means that my son, Sgt Derek McConnell, died while in service to this country.

I have a top ten list of what is it that we, as Gold Star Families, want all of you to know about and on Memorial Day.

Number 10 – We want you to know the difference between Memorial Day, Veterans Day, and Armed Forces Day. Armed Forces Day celebrates those who currently wear the uniforms of the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, and Coast Guard. Veterans Day is for those who used to wear those uniforms. And Memorial Day is to honor all those who died while wearing the uniform.

Number 9 – Not all deaths that we honor are KIA – Killed in Action. Servicemembers die in many ways, not just in war. Some die stateside in training accidents. Some succumb to illness. Some, like my son, die of wounds sustained in combat. Some, unfortunately, are members of the 22 a day who commit suicide because of the unseen wounds of combat – PTSD, and survivor’s guilt, among others. We all mourn the loss the same, no matter the cause.

Number 8 – It’s okay to have fun today. It’s okay to barbecue, go down the shore, or even go shopping. Our loved ones gave all so that we could be free to enjoy all the best we have in this life. But while doing so, take a minute to pause and remember why we have this three-day weekend.

When first observed, sometime around the Civil War, Memorial Day was a simply a day of remembrance and gratitude, not a day for mega sales, or even a three-day weekend.

Unfortunately, today, Memorial Day’s intended purpose is too often overshadowed by activities that celebrate the first long weekend of summer.

Number 7 – Remember that we are Americans. We are not Democrats. We are not Republicans. We are Americans, and it is time we remembered that. Remember the adage, United we Stand, Divided we Fall? Reach out to the other side of the aisle. Remember what makes this country truly great. If we fall, all of the brave men and women who died for this great nation will have died in vain.

Number 6 – Rethink the term – Happy Memorial Day. This is a day of remembrance, of reflection. While we celebrate their lives and their sacrifice, it is not a “happy” holiday.

Number 5 – When remembering those who gave all, remember their families, as well. Not just the spouses or the children. Not just the Moms and Dads. The entire family. The siblings. The cousins. The aunts. The uncles. The Grandparents.

We all hurt. We all lost someone special.

Number 4 – While we honor the fallen today, and we make mention of their families, there is a larger brotherhood that is also hurting. Derek’s Army brothers miss him and are hurting today, too. Memorial Day is a very hard day for a lot of veterans, especially those who suffer with PTSD and/or survivor’s guilt. Check in on them today.

Number 3 – While we support the First Amendment right to protest, to desecrate our flag, or to not stand for the National Anthem, and while our loved ones died to protect those rights, please understand why these actions hurt us. We sat while a flag draped coffin carried our loved ones to their final resting place. We watched as the military solemnly folded that flag 13 times before presenting it to us. So while you exercise your First Amendment rights, don’t fault us for being hurt by it.

Number 2 – We want you to remember what Memorial Day is really all about. What is really means to be a Gold Star Family.

It means that we know firsthand the real cost of war. Not in dollars and cents, but in tears and heartbreak.

It means that we will never again hear Derek’s infectious laugh or bust our sides laughing at his obnoxious and inappropriate antics.

It means that we still have a hole in our hearts and in our families.

It means that we truly loved and lost a part of ourselves.

It means that the little boy’s hand I held, boo boos I kissed, and nightmares I chased away will never grow old, have children, or live the life he dreamed.

It means that we have learned that we are stronger than we ever thought. We’ve lived through tragedy and heartbreak so that the American way of life can live on.

And the number one thing we want you to know on this Memorial Day:

Say His Name. Don’t be afraid to talk to us, to ask us questions, to tell us stories if you were fortunate enough to know him.

You are never truly gone until no one remembers you. Talk about those we lost. Share their stories. Keep their sacrifice and memories alive.

On July 23, 2011, Derek was injured while attempting to secure a landing zone for a medevac helicopter for an injured lieutenant. Derek encountered not one, but two IEDs. The first one knocked him down, but he sustained no further injury. When given the opportunity to stand down, he laughed and carried on. Two steps later, our lives were forever changed.

Derek lost both of his legs and the use of his right arm. He had several fractures, and blast wounds, and he was riddled with infections. We almost lost him several times to sepsis and organ failure. 2½ months in ICU, 7 months in the hospital.

He kept his sense of humor through it all and made all of us laugh. When I told him he was a hot mess, he responded, “Well, Mom, at least I’m hot.” His sense of humor is something none of us will forget.

Derek fought hard, and never gave up. He learned to walk again on high tech prosthetics, and proposed to the girl of his dreams. They were to be married in January 2014. Derek aspired to be a writer, and he started his own novel. He was completing the med board process so that he could be medically retired from the Army, and he was looking forward to coming home in the summer of 2013.  We were all ready and excited about the future. Derek knew his limitations, but he was ready to meet them head on.

His dreams and goals were not to be realized. On March 18, 2013, almost two years to the date he deployed to Afghanistan, he climbed to eternal glory.

Sgt Derek McConnell, 23 years old, like so many other Veterans, made the ultimate sacrifice and wrote a blank check payable to The United States of America, for an unknown amount, but “up to, and including, his life…”

But Derek is only one of our brave men and women who answered the call to serve our country. He is but one who gave all.

I want everyone to have fun this weekend. But please also pause to remember WHY we have this three-day weekend. WHY we enjoy the freedoms we have. Why when taps plays, a Gold Star family silently cries.

In closing, Memorial Day is about so much more than BBQs, the beach, sales, and a long weekend. Memorial Day is a day of reflection and remembrance. It is a day to remember all of our Fallen Heroes from all of the wars – over 1.3 million since this country started.

It is a day to be thankful to those who have served and made the ultimate sacrifice. They fought and died to win the freedom and democracy that we Americans cherish so dearly and sometimes take for granted. All gave some, but some gave all. Thank you.

Gold Star ID Ceremony

One of my favorite topics of conversation is my children. Today, I had the honor of speaking at a ceremony honoring Gold Star families where New Jersey’s new Gold Star ID Program was kicked off in Morris County by the Clerk, Ann Grossi, and several of us received our new IDs. This is the speech that I gave (give or take a little because when I am at the podium, most things come from my head, not the paper).

My name is Siobhan Fuller-McConnell, and I am a Gold Star Mother.

My son, Sgt Derek McConnell, of the United States Army, was born on October 8, 1989. He came into this world fighting. He was born at only 3 lbs, with a birth defect known as gastroschisis, and he had several surgeries in the first few years of his life.  But it never slowed him down.

In January 2010, at the age of 20, he enlisted in the US Army and shipped out to Fort Benning for basic training. One year later, in March 2011, he left with the 10^thMountain Division, 287-B Company, from Fort Drum, NY to the desert of Afghanistan. The 10^thMountain’s Motto is Climb to Glory, something Derek aspired to every day.

On July 23, 2011, I received a phone call from Fort Drum advising me that Derek had been injured while on patrol.  While attempting to secure a landing zone for a medevac helicopter for an injured lieutenant, Derek encountered not one, but two IEDs.  The first one knocked him down, but he sustained no further injury.  When given the opportunity to stand down, he laughed and carried on.  Two steps later, he wasn’t so lucky.

Derek suffered amputations to both legs, the left leg from the hip and the right leg high above the knee.  He also had a degloving injury to his right arm, leaving the hand not able to function, several fractures, and blast wounds, and he was riddled with infections due to the dirty soil entering his blood stream.  We almost lost him several times to sepsis and organ failure.  He was the soldier that no one expected to survive. When we arrived at National Naval Medical Center, the future Walter Reed National Military Medical Center on July 29, 2011, they tried to prepare us to lose him. At one point, one of his doctors sat me down and said point blank – I don’t think I can save him. For four months, his doctor talked to us in analogies of Derek being “in the woods.” He was deep in the woods. He was closer to the edge, but not yet out. In November 2011, Dr. Perdue finally walked into his hospital room and announced that the woods were in the rear view mirror. I swear they heard us cheering down stairs in the lobby. Derek beat the odds.

Derek spent 59 days in the ICU and 228 days (seven full months) as an inpatient at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland. He had 45 surgeries and procedures, and he was seen by 34 different medical teams and services.  He fought through it all.

Derek fought long and hard to regain his health, strength and stamina, but he never lost his sense of humor.  We spent many days sitting in his hospital room, when he was too sick to get out of bed, just laughing at his antics.  We were the place nurses and doctors came to hang out, laugh, and get their daily dose of “Derekisms”.

In high school Derek was the student who showed up to class with a smile and a whole lot of charm.  That’s it.  No homework.  No notebook.  If it was the teacher’s lucky day, he would have a pen with him. Otherwise, he had nothing but his winning personality.  He charmed his teachers into passing him.  He stood up for the little guy.  He fought against injustice.  He was as fierce in battle as he was gentle in friendship and a great ally.  He so loved his family that he had a tattoo of a four-leaf clover on his arm with the name of each of his four siblings on the four leaves.  His favorite sayings were “No Luck, Only Sacrifice,” and “Go Big, or Go Home.”  He had “No Luck, Only Sacrifice”tattooed on his arm, and many of us have gotten a similar tattoo in his honor.  He meant that you do not get anywhere in life by relying on luck; you work hard and sacrifice for what is important.

He was also a hot mess.  When I told him that, his response to me was, “Well, Mom, at least I’m hot.”  He drove his poor fiancée crazy – while he was still in the hospital, he woke Krystina from a nap by throwing things at her, just to tell her he loved her.  He could be heard singing “Baby come back! You can blame it all on me!” at the top of his lungs when he aggravated Krystina and she walked out of the room.

He called me “Silly, Si O Bon,” and whenever he ticked me off, which was often, he responded “But, Mommy!  I’m a cripple!” or something similar.  He loved to aggravate me. What I wouldn’t give for just one more battle with him, or one more “yuck” when I kissed him good-night.

Derek fought hard, and never gave up. He learned to walk again on high tech prosthetics, learned to be independent, and proposed to the girl of his dreams, his high school sweetheart on Christmas Eve 2011.  They were to be married in January 2014 after winning a dream wedding contest sponsored by Naninas in the Park, Venus Jewelers, and others.  He promised to dance with me at his wedding. He still owes me that dance, and I will collect on it someday.

Derek aspired to be a writer, and he started his own novel.  He was completing the med board process so that he could be medically retired from the Army, and he was looking forward to coming home in the summer of 2013, and to picking up his service dog, a German Shepherd with an angel’s name, Gabriel. My sister and brother-in-law, Yvette and Brian Maglio renovated their home so that Derek would have a wheelchair accessible place to call home.  We were all ready and excited about the future.  Derek knew his limitations, but he was ready to meet them head on.

His dreams and goals were not to be realized.  On March 18, 2013, almost two years to the date he deployed to Afghanistan, he climbed to eternal glory.  Sgt Derek McConnell, 23 years old like so many other Veterans; made the ultimate sacrifice and wrote a blank check payable to The United States of America, for an unknown amount, but “up to, and including, his life…”

But Derek is only one of our brave men and women who answered the call to serve our country.  He is but one.  I am but one Gold Star Mother. We all have special stories to share.

Thank you to Ann Grossi and her staff for this ceremony today. Thank you to all of our men and women who have served and continue to serve, for they have made today possible. Finally, most especially, thank you to those who gave all and the families who love and lost them.